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how having kids did not kill our sex life

Let’s just get it out there: there are few things as important as sex in a healthy marriage.  No matter the age, stage in life or situation, sex makes or breaks a marriage.  If things aren’t right in the bedroom, things just aren’t right.

This is a fact.

In those first days of marriage sex is, well, sex is everything.  And life is so good.  You feel so connected, so in love.  It’s hard to imagine that your passion for each other ever could, ever should change.

But then all of that marital passion turns into…a baby.  And then another.  And if you are like me and my husband, a few more babies.

The moments when you can connect with your spouse are a little more rare, your sleep is more broken and often there is a small person sharing your bed.

During these years, when you are out-numbered by little people, it is easy to let your sex life dry up.  It happens all too often.  It just seems normal.

Normal or not, it is no good.  Sex is not something only men need, sex is not something only newly weds want regularly.  Sex is the fundamental way that you connect to your spouse and never is that connection more important than during those treacherous baby/toddler years.

I’m here to tell you that having kids (3 in 3 years…and more coming) did not kill our sex life, and it never will.  And here’s how.

1. We Recognize How Important Sex Is

Sex is so much more than a carnal physical impulse.  Additionally, sex is infinitely more than the meeting of sperm and egg to make a baby.

Sex is the most basic, profound, complete way that we show our love for our spouse.  The act requires complete vulnerability and submission, from both parties.  In a loving marriage it is impossible to be dishonest during the marital embrace.  Sex takes us closer and bonds us more completely to our spouse than any other act ever could.

Sex is incredible.  It’s something my husband and I waited for until we were married and longed for.

To be frank, I feel like I need this closeness with my husband more now than before we had kids.  Now that I am a stay-at-home-mom with limited adult interaction, I need more than ever to connect with my husband in this way.  When sex is absent in our relationship I can feel the distance between us grow–and even if he is right beside me I actually miss him.  I rely on our connection as a married couple.

And ladies, sex is just as important for you as it is for him.  Really.  The benefits of sex for men and women might be different, but they are equal.  Does your husband feel distant?  Do you feel disconnected as a couple?  Do you feel like he doesn’t understand you, doesn’t give you what you need?  Sex might be a factor.

Not the only factor, but a factor.

Try saying ‘yes’ more.  Just try it.  It’s so silly–we think it will feel good (powerful?) to say ‘no’ to him when he asks for it.  But it doesn’t.  If we are honest with ourselves we know that saying ‘no’ to him over and over is actually saying ‘no’ to ourselves and our connection to our husbands.

Try saying ‘yes’.  Try surrendering, embracing your husband’s passion.  It will feel so good–and your marriage will reap the benefits.  Just try it.

How having kids doesn't have to kill your sex life

2. We Go to Bed Together

This might seem basic, but this is actually a big deal.  In order to keep your sex life alive you need to go to bed at the same time as your spouse.  You need to make this happen.

And here, of course, is where kids really get in the way.  With babies that get up at night to nurse, work deadlines, early-risers, and the exhaustion of chasing babies around all day, it can be so hard to get on the same schedule as your spouse.  But talk about it.  Make it a goal, at least a few nights a week.  If you go to bed at the same time the expectation, of course, is not that sex will be on the schedule every night, but at least there’s the chance.  And sometimes that’s half of the battle.

3. Sometimes Sex Is All We Have

My marriage and my family are far from perfect.  We have as many problems and fights as anyone.  My husband is often sent on 2 week long business trips to the other side of the world and no matter how hard I might try to stay positive and charitable, I always fail to one degree or another.  Always.

Additionally, our oldest is just 4.  Together my husband and I are still trying to navigate the treacherous waters of discipline and child-rearing.  With three little ones tensions sometimes run high and we say or do things we regret.

Sometimes I go to bed mad.  Often I don’t know how to communicate what I am feeling when I am mad.

And yet, if I can surrender my pride and embrace him so much is healed.  So much is forgiven.  So much is understood.

Marriage is more than sex, of course.  So much more.  But a marriage without sex isn’t a much of a marriage.  We all deserve, and desire, better than a marriage without passion.  I want to feel my husband’s passion for me–and for him to feel the same.

Okay–are you all still with me?  Lots of talk about sex, and that was never my intended subject as a blogger, but if I’m going to be honest and real–what is more honest and real than sex?

Thanks for letting me share this.  If you have any questions or thoughts on this, please don’t hesitate to share or ask.  Important topics like this deserve to be discussed.

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