I said it. Both my husband and I were virgins on our wedding day. Really.
The fact that we made this choice–a difficult choice–is not something neither of us like to broadcast, and we certainly don’t think it makes us better than anyone else, but lately I have began to feel like this reality, the reality that two people, even people in their late 20’s, can arrive at the altar for marriage still virgins, is simply unbelievable.
Sure, people might start out with that intention, but no one can actually wait.
I am here to tell you, it is not only possible to wait to have sex until marriage–it is an awesome, incredible, miraculous decision that my husband and I, even almost 5 years later, are still reaping the benefits of.
We now have 3 children and I want them to grow up believing that waiting is not only possible, it is totally worth it, and here’s why:
1. When You Wait, Getting Married is Actually a Big Deal
We’ve all heard people complain about the “let down” of getting married. You work so hard to pull off and the biggest party of your life…and then it’s just over.
And all you are is married.
The party is over and you head back to life, much as it was before.
Not so for us.
Our wedding day was beautiful, all of it, because it began our lives together. I will never forget my husband tearing up as we held hands and said our vows in front of all of our family and friends. We gave ourselves, our past, our present, our future, all of ourselves, to each other and that is what we did, for the first time, that night as well.
I was completely transformed as a person on my wedding day and my life was utterly transformed as well.
In the practical ways my life changed when I got married–I began living with a boy, sharing a bed and a closet and I changed my name.
All of these things were radically new for me but more profoundly, once I was married there was a person that was so near to me, so intimate with me that it scared me sometimes. He knew all of my secrets. He was so close to me that I couldn’t hide anything–and sex was a big part of this.
Besides the days we welcomed children into the world, my wedding day was the most pivotal day of my life.
2. Neither of us Brought Baggage from other Lovers into our Marriage
Romantic relationships of any type change and affect those involved. Even without the element of sex, my husband and I both brought with us the scars we’d picked up from other relationships. Don’t get me wrong. We might have avoided sex before marriage, but that doesn’t mean we were perfect or sinless or anything like that!
However, since neither of us were intimate with another person, our sexual relationship is free from any ghosts of former lovers.
For us, sex is something private and just between the two of us, both now, in the past and always. On our wedding day I was able to give myself fully to him–something that I had guarded and protected and kept just for him on that day.
And he gave me the same gift.
3. He Waited for me Once…He will Wait for me Again.
Don’t get me wrong, waiting to have sex is absolutely zero fun. It sucks. It was worth it, but especially during engagement it’s just terrible. I remember quite clearly how unpleasant it was, but that memory gives me a lot of peace in the periods of “waiting” we have in our marriage.
Yes, there are periods of “waiting” inside of a marriage. The two times we have experienced this “waiting” most profoundly are after having a baby and when my husband is away on long business trips. Sex is an important part of our relationship–it keeps us connected and we both depend on it–but I trust 100% that if we need to stop having sex for a period of time my husband will wait for me.
He was faithful and patient before. He can and will do it again.
And, what’s amazing is that this patience and faithfulness demonstrates his love for me so much more deeply than any marital embrace ever could.
He loves me enough to wait.
One final note—
Waiting until marriage is not a choice that everyone makes–even very good people and terrific couples. I really don’t judge anyone in this area because I know how terribly hard it is to wait.
My husband and I came very close to having sex before marriage and it was only through prayer, luck, discipline and the fact that I lived with my sister in a house with thin walls that we arrived virgins on our wedding day.
Waiting until marriage SHOULD be a struggle. If you don’t WANT DESPERATELY to have sex with your partner, your fiance, than you probably shouldn’t marry them–but waiting is worth it.
I don’t write or share any of this to make others feel badly about their previous choices–and I certainly do not believe that our marriage or relationship is better than anyone else’s. Just because we avoided this mistake does not mean we have not made many others.
I only ask that wherever you are–single/engaged/married/divorced–that you think about sex with a clear and honest mind. Having sex is a big deal. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Sex is awesome, it’s life-creating, it’s what we were made for. Respect it.
Forget the past, whatever it may have been, and live today in a way that respects the awesomeness of sex.
Waiting until marriage sucks in possibly every way. But, it’s so worth it. Really.
Nobody that arrives at their wedding day a virgin is filled with regret about what they missed out on–because really, what did they miss out on?
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